Wednesday, June 10, 2009

Dread

Hi. Yes, it's me, the sporadic blogger. I just felt like posting a little update today, partly to get things off my chest I suppose.

Things have been, well, y'know, the same. Or worse. I'm not sure. Better actually, because I have been avoiding life like never before. Less anxiety because I haven't been shopping or done any cooking or cleaning or... anything. The cupboards are empty. Mr Man is starving. We've just been living off take-aways. But the counsellor said it's ok to avoid things that cause me anxiety, so that's ok. (?)

Well, it did help with my anxiety for a while, but now I realise we have things to pay and I have wasted all our money, so long term it's kind of made things worse. Now I have to go back to managing the anxiety of shopping and cooking with the added anxiety of worrying about money.

Some readers suggested ordering shopping online and having it delivered, which was a very good suggestion and I did try, but I had to register and fill in an online form which kind of brought on a panic attack and I haven't tried again since.

I feel like a failure. All I can do is apologise to Mr Man over and over again, but it doesn't seem to mean anything. "I'm sorry" doesn't cover it. It doesn't do my feelings justice.


I have an appointment with the counsellor again on Friday and I'm absolutely dreading it. I don't want to go because I'm still so upset by the things she said last time. I don't trust her anymore. She made assumptions about me without even giving me the chance to speak. I expect she thinks I'm trying to blame all my problems on the way Mr Man was treated in hospital in 2002, which I'm not, but she wouldn't know that because she didn't let me explain. It certainly was a major contributor to the anxiety that I was already suffering, but as you readers and other carers will understand, struggling to keep Mr Man safe was traumatic enough. They can't comprehend that. Despite all their training and qualifications, none of them truly know what it's like to try to keep the person you love safe, when they are genuinely suicidal for so many months, or even years. None of them know how hard it is to watch the person you love give up on life and lay in bed in their own urine, refusing to get up, refusing to eat and refusing to drink. None of them know what it's like when the person you love is persecuted every day by frightening hallucinations and there is nothing you can do to protect them from their own mind. And none of them know how it feels to place the person you love into the care of others, only to realise that you have placed them in even more danger. None of them understand these things.

I know, I should have recovered from all of this right? Mr Man isn't that poorly any more is he? So why haven't I been able to move on? I don't know the answer to that. And I don't know why it has rendered me useless in every area of life.


Other updates

Mr Man has been sporadic too. His mind becomes over active and he doesn't sleep for days, and then he burns himself out and sleeps forever. He swings from being a great entrepreneur to being an online gamer who doesn't feel well enough to handle life's responsibilities. He's been very understanding but unable to help me in practical ways. He still starves if I don't cook, and I still have to remind him several times a day to take his medication before he actually takes it.

2 comments:

balanujan said...

Yes, I do understand. I am in a similar position. The Counsellors cannot fathom our(carers) pain. It is traumatic. I am on the 27th year. The trauma started affecting my health, though I am trying to be in Shape-I with a bit of regular Yoga, healthy food and not the least, learning to `forgive and forget'. My wife and sons perhaps consider me `coward'!

Mr Mans Wife said...

Coward?? Learning to forgive and forget is incredibly hard. Holding on to the pain and anger is much easier but it erodes our spirit and will eventually drive us insane. I think it takes greater strength and courage to move on as you have.

Thank you for your comment Balanujan, and good health to you.