Sunday, May 24, 2009


You may (or may not) have noticed that I have deleted some posts and parts of others that contained information about my health and/or depression. Something just snapped in me one night. I felt that my blog had become a very self absorbed pity party and also I felt that some people were not taking my feelings seriously, which made me want to suppress them again and keep them to myself.

I almost cancelled my appointment with the counsellor for this reason, but the carer support worker urged me to go, reminding me that these feelings have a habit of resurfacing. I wish I had cancelled it. I saw this counsellor back in 2005 because I was struggling to come to terms with how Mr Man was treated in hospital, and she was very sympathetic. Four years later I'm having to see her again with the same issues, but this time she told me that she thinks the problem stems from my childhood, that I need "a mother" figure, and that I will probably always need support.

To be honest, at the time I was so emotional that her comments just left me confused. So confused. I couldn't make sense of my thoughts or what she was telling me, how I was feeling or how to express it. The last time I felt that mentally and emotionally confused is when Mr Man was actually in hospital and all these problems began. (At that time all I could do was pace the floor and bang my head saying: "Think. Think.") I've been in that confused state for a couple of days now, but now that I'm starting to get my head together I feel angry.

Ok, I didn't have an ideal upbringing - who has? - but I like to think that I managed to deal with those issues and put them behind me a long time ago. The fact that I am still struggling to come to terms with the events of 2002 only illustrates how traumatic they were. I constantly felt that Mr Man was in immediate danger of losing his life, and I had to rely on people who couldn't care less to protect him. Their lack of interest caused me unimaginable stress, not to mention the things they did that actually contributed to the worsening of Mr Man's illness. I fail to see how my parents are to blame for the total incompetence and shockingly poor attitude of those doctors and nurses who were supposed to care for Mr Man.

Once again I just feel that those people are being excused for their behaviour and that the trauma we have both suffered is not being taken seriously. It's my fault for being weak, it's my parents fault because of my upbringing, it's everybody else's fault except their fault for being completely unprofessional and not doing their job properly.

Once again, I apologise for not responding to emails or comments. Please be assured that I value each one, but I can make no promises to reply any time soon.


Liam said...

Blogging is what you make of it. Sometimes it does become a kind of "surrogate diary", and it can be hard to reconcile being open with publishing these thoughts across the world.

There is a lot in this blog which is valuable and interesting, but I fully understand that sometimes the best thing to do is type what you like...and then press delete before pressing publish.

Best of luck to you

Roses said...

Perhaps it's time to change your counsellor.

While I think you should never underestimate the power of your experiences in childhood to shape/distort your sounds to me like you're struggling to cope with your life now, not then.

Finding a counsellor who can create an oasis for you, to replenish yourself, someone who can support you while you support Mr Man and keep your life going...that would be more useful for you, I suspect.

You are a very strong woman. You couldn't have got where you are if you weren't. You are allowed to feel like shit, be anxious, depressed and want to off-load the responsibility. Your needs seem to have disappeared...

Many, many hugs my dear. I'm thinking of you.