Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Realisations

Some of this post has been deleted

I've been looking for reasons for why my anxiety has got worse recently. I think one reason is simply that my depression hasn't been under control since September 2007, and anxiety has always gone hand in hand with depression for me. Another reason directly relates to Mr Man. Although he has suffered occasional blips, Mr Man has been doing really well since his medication change last summer, and yes, that has been a cause of anxiety for me. He's doing so well that he is eager to start working again and wants to run his own business from home, but I am aware that his condition can change at any time - as it did a couple of weeks ago - and when it does I have to be ready to support him. Supporting him emotionally is one thing, but supporting him in running his business is something else. As much as I would like to help Mr Man run his business, I just can't cope with that sort of responsibility. Hell, I can't even cope with opening the post every day, and half of that is junk mail.

Another reason why his recovery scares me is that ultimately he would like to be able to cease claiming benefits altogether. I worry that the pressure of having to work once his benefits stop will make him poorly again. Maybe if he had been consistently well since last summer I wouldn't worry so much, but although generally he is much better, I have seen a lot of fluctuations during that time. He goes from being very focused with lots of business ideas, to burning himself out and feeling under pressure. I'm just not sure if he is ready for this sort of commitment, and yet I have to let him try because it's what he really wants to do. He has an appointment coming up to see someone at Working Links, so it will be interesting to see what sort of support they can offer him, if any. Of course, any changes in income will mean changes in housing benefit etc. and I'll be the one who has to keep filling in the forms and taking bank statements to the council.

I want to see him work because I want to see him happy. I know that he feels ashamed that he's not able to work. But it's just such a huge step. Maybe all of this has been worrying me more than I realised.

3 comments:

Seratonin said...

I would be inclined to feel very much the same as you regarding Mr Man's setting up a business.Problem for anyone in business atm is recession - ok that's an obvious statement ! But bad enough without even taking into consideration impact on Mr Man's health in running a business and of course your stress levels. I always am cautious though, as much inbuilt as learnt. That said I can appreciate Mr Man's need to want to be working rather thsn claim benefits.I am glad that for all my Hubby's apparent hassles at work that he still does go out and do something on a daily basis. We all need to feel that we have an a purpose.
I completely understand your anxieties and differing abilities to carry out tasks such as washing up/shopping etc.All too often I think we go into some form of overdrive in coping with emergencies and that weeks later renders us unable to function and relax back into post emergency mode. You are right it happens to be a common response for carers. I use the word 'relax' tentatively cos if you are anything like me it's a case of always being on high alert - even if not directly relating to Hubby's condition.In my case it is catastrophising for England that has been learnt and as much to do with my anxiety make - up !

Anyway not sure what else I can say, other than take good care of yourself.Because that is something us carers do not do enough of !!!!

Lots of love
Sis xxx

maz said...

I fully understand what you mean as I'm still working a few hours myself and dealing with the dreaded forms, DWP etc.

It's very daunting coping with such a big change.

Coo is not able to go back to work - I don't think he ever will be but sometimes he does think what if and my heart is in my mouth as both times he tried this were a disaster and a total nightmare of paperwork, forms and stress to contend with!

Keep strong!

maz x

Anonymous said...

I have been lurking on your blog and have decided to out myself.
My hubby was dx'd with schitzophrenia 18 yrs ago, and let me tell you it has been a rough road. I am an RN and he is a machinist, which is perfect for him, little to no people to interact with, just machines and numbers that he can always trust to be consistant, no feeling involved, no misunderstandings.
He was on disability here in the states for awhile and it was good, he needed it. Then, he got better and didn't need it and found a job. I was worried, but he has consistantly worked for about 15 years. I guess the system worked for us, when he was at his sickest, he received his benefits. Now, he works and that is what he needs.
Amie