Thursday, December 11, 2008

Still

It's been five years this month since the last time Mr Man was in hospital. Over those years Mr Man has gradually improved and there are things he can cope with now that he couldn't cope with back then - simple things, like answering the door when someone knocks. He still has his off days, but he seems to have improved even more since he stopped taking his Clozaril and had his Abilify increased back in July, simply because he is more able to occupy his mind now that he doesn't feel so drugged.

He's not been feeling very good for the past couple of days though. He tries to carry on as normal if he has plans to go somewhere, but the rest of the time he tends to sleep more to try to escape the voices.

Tonight I heard him moving around in the bathroom more than usual. Despite the fact that it has been five years since he last cut himself, I found myself rushing up the stairs to make sure he was alright. I still worry that this will happen, even after all this time. Will I ever be able to let go of the trauma of the past?

12 comments:

Not Very Anonymous Mom said...

we must always be ready for things to go south, but - how nice when all is quiet and boring, eh?

me_too said...

I still always worry. It has been 3 years but when my hubby starts to get "concerned" about things I hid all the knives, just in case.

Stephany said...

i worry too! thank you for writing this, it makes me feel less alone in this world

Doc said...

Wow.

Mr Mans Wife said...

Too true Anonymous Mom, too true. I love quiet and boring!

Me too and Stephany, thank you for your comments. I'm glad I'm not the only one. Does that fear never leave?

Hi Doc, thanks for popping by and commenting. You seem... shocked by something?

jkl said...

I also relate to you all...
My husband is also fighting with schizophrenia for last 5 yrs.. he's doing well with medications but struggling at work to meet his targets and productivity with less efficiency, speed and concentration,low memory and confidence, getting stuck in middle of a work, unable to handle work pressure, financial crises etc.. All these results in making him more depressed ...

Can anyone tell how to improve his work efficiency and boost up self confidence. he works in an engineering company which requires high efficiency and intelligence... so please help.

All these yrs I used to motivate him to fight his disease but I was recently diagnosed with depression and since then I am desperately searching for some support....

Also please tell me if you know any support/social groups in sharjah which can be a helping hand to us....

Mr Mans Wife said...

Jkl, thank you for your comment. I'm sorry but I have no idea what services or support groups are available in your country - hopefully someone from your area will read this and be able to help. I know there are online forums on schizophrenia.com though, which is used world wide, so maybe someone on there could help you?

I'm really sorry to hear that you and your husband are struggling so much. Well done to him though for managing to keep working! Mr Man doesn't work now but he keeps himself busy with computer programing and such like. He finds that taking regular breaks helps with his concentration. He said that when he worked he found it helped when he could switch from one task to another if one was becoming too stressful - is your husband able to do this in his job?

If he is struggling at work then I'm not surprised that his self confidence is low. I think men especially feel that they should be able to provide and be efficient at their work. He should fee proud that he has managed to keep working throughout his illness though! Is it possible for him to take a job which is less stressful? I think it has helped Mr Man to see that work is only one aspect of life, and that there are other areas that can bring us joy and satisfaction and which are just as important. I think doing a hobby that you enjoy and that you are good at is a great confidence booster, and can be very relaxing too. I personally think more people should engage in meaningful hobbies, not just watching the TV at the weekend. It gives people a sense of achievement and inner peace. I hope you don't think I am trivialising the issue, but I think the importance of hobbies is underestimated. I would recommend it for your own depression too.

Other than that, all I can suggest is to try to avoid unnecessary burdens, which I'm sure you do anyway.

Jkl, I hope this helps, and I hope you find some support for you both locally. Best wishes to you both.

Catherine said...

I believe that a part of you will always remain vigilant, yes.

Glad that so much time has gone by for Mr Man and that things have much improved since then. Sorry I haven't written much to you lately; however, you are still in my thoughts.

Mr Mans Wife said...

Yes, I think you're right Catherine.

No need to apologize - that's just how life goes sometimes. I think of you too. I hope you and little one are keeping well. x

Barbara K. said...

I don't think we let go of trauma. I think we just carry it differently and overlay it with new possibilities. But a current arrow can pierce right back to the heart of it. That may cause a rush of feelings, but then the conscious mind can remind us of the positive changes and new coping tools we have accumulated since then.

Aluajala said...

Hello! I have just found your blog and it made me think a lot. You are so strong never thinking to give up after so many years of your struggle. That's admiring.

My husband is autistic (he has asperger's syndrome to be more specific). We could find no professional help where we live and sometimes I just get desperate not knowing what to do in certain situations to help my beloved.

I'm going to read all your posts but would like to ask you what do you do to help Mr. Man when he feels bad - I mean depressed? What do you tell him to calm him down or how do you behave?

Although I used to suffer depression too (incl. cutting) and haven't fully recovered yet (had a suicidal attempt recently, but it's ok now) and even share my experience in a blog in case it could help someone, yet I just get lost when it comes to helping my hubbie..

Mr Mans Wife said...

Thank you Barbara, so true.

Hi Aluajala, welcome to my blog. You ask a very good question and I'm not sure how to answer it. I have the same struggles as you - the fact that I suffer from depression makes me think that I ought to know how to help someone else with it, but I don't. I try to find a balance between comforting and being there for him to talk to, and then trying not to dwell on it too long and do something distracting. It's not always easy though, and I find the situation can be both draining and disheartening. Maybe it's harder to help someone that we are so close to, because we are so emotionally involved?

I hope you manage to find the help you need in the situation you are in. I wish you all the best for the future.