Another Call for Help

Following the post "A Call for Help" I received a comment from another lady struggling to cope with her sick husband and the situation it had placed her in.

I also don't know what to do anymore, after three years struggling with my husband's sickness. I'm from Asia, well-educated, but was forced to move to Europe (in a matter of two days) because of his sickness. I basically abandoned everything I had for him.

But after three years, on top of his sickness, my troublesome mother-in-law is constantly causing problems by demanding way too much attention from her son all the time and bad-mouthing me whenever she can. My husband loves me, but he doesn't see what his mother is doing to me. He needs his family, he said, and his mother loves him and pampers him like a child all the time.

I am depressed and at the end of my strength. I lose my temper very easily these days. My friends and family are all in Asia. And here I can hardly have an independent life due to language barrier and qualification mismatch. I just want to get myself out of this whole mess. But a divorce will be a huge blow to him... yet I can't see myself living a life like this anymore...

I also want to ask, what should I do?

Anonymous, I really wish I knew what to advise. I'm sorry that life has become so unbearable for you. Unfortunately I have no solution for troublesome mother-in-laws! If he enjoys the attention she lavishes on him, I can see why it would be difficult to convince him to leave - but what about you? Don't you also deserve the attention of your family? Maybe you could reason this way with him.

Although he may need additional support due to his illness, it doesn't mean that he can have his own way all the time! Maybe he just doesn't realise how the situation is affecting you?

When Mr Man was in hospital I was at breaking point, and so exhausted. He wanted me to visit twice a day. It was hard, but I had to explain to him that although I loved him very much, I also had to look after myself, otherwise I would get to the point where I wouldn't be able to help him at all. It helped that a nurse explained this to him also, and he was very good about me not coming for a day while I got some much needed rest.

I think sometimes when you are caring for someone with mental illness, the whole situation can become about them, and how they feel. But it really doesn't hurt to let them know how you feel as well. I used to avoid crying in front of Mr Man, but actually, when I did cry he would look surprised, like he'd only just realised that other people feel distressed over things too, and then he would forget about his own feelings for a little while.

So the only thing I can recommend is that you discuss how you feel with your husband. I don't know how ill he is at the moment, but he may surprise you and be stronger than you think.

I would also recommend trying to get some support for yourself. You don't say which European country you are in, so I don't know what the services are like where you are, but maybe visit your GP, get some help with your depression, ask to see a counsellor, and ask if there are any support agencies for carers.

I really hope this helps.

A Call for Help

I just received this anonymous comment on the post "Why Do People Stop Taking Medication?" If anyone has any advice for this reader please leave your comments in the comments section below.

I don't know where to turn and I cry everyday trying to find help for my brother. You see he was in prison for 18 yrs and when he came out he was on Risperidone. Everything was fine until he stopped taking it. I asked why and his reasons were the weight gain (about 80pds) loss of sexual function and he said his thoughts were not his own. He was not long before seeing a jail cell after stopping his meds. They kept in jail just long enough that his disability was cut off and now he is about to loose his apt. He thinks he is God. He has not had a meal in so long now and I am over a grand in debt trying to cloth and look after him, financially I can do it anymore and don't know what to do. He is now anorexic, if I were to guess I would say he weighs about 120 and he is six feet tall. This weight loss took just 3mths. When he was arrested it was because he was yelling in his apt and so I gather people called because they were afraid. They jailed him for over 2 mths trying to get a bed in the mental ward for an assessment. Well apparently the time ran out for the legal limit of holding him and that was three days after they got him in the hospital and the just released him. Everyone in the family has turned their back on him because they are afraid of him.
I don't want to see him end up on the street but what can I do to prevent it. I can't make him take the meds not can I write the letter to disability to get him reinstated. The local mental health association is of no help as I have called the worker that we saw when he first got out. So I am asking here on this forum if anyone has any suggestions.

Anonymous, is your brother agreeable to seeing a doctor? I'm not sure which country you are in, but I'm pretty sure that in the UK a person can be detained on a psychiatric ward under a section of the mental health act for the treatment of anorexia, as he is obviously a danger to himself (not eating = death). If he will see a doctor then maybe he could have his medication changed to something that doesn't affect his sexual function - Abilify seems to be one that doesn't have this effect. Unfortunately I think many, if not all, antipsychotics increase weight gain. Of course, although these side effects were the original reason for him stopping his medication, there is now the added problem that he probably doesn't believe he even needs them anymore, since he believes he is God.

Just out of curiosity, has he said why he won't eat? Or is it simply that he doesn't take care of himself? Either way, this is a burden too heavy for you to carry alone. Is there an advocacy service where you live? Any doctors surgery should be able to give you the details of one. They should be able to advise you on how best to get help for your brother, and may even make calls etc. for you. I hope this helps.

Questions From Readers

In January I received some questions from a reader, prompted by a post I had written in November 2006. The post was entitled “Blip”, and at that time Mr Man’s medication had been changed, causing a temporary fluctuation in his symptoms. This had led to him believing that many of our friends were spies, and that even his Psychiatrist was “in on it”. You can read the full post here. Below is a portion of my correspondence with the reader, for the benefit of those who may be in a similar situation.

"How do you handle it when Mr Man says things like “she’s in on it”? And how do you handle living with someone who always believes that people are spies? I have fears about when my hubby comes home – how am I going to feel with him always thinking that people are after him? I have a hard time when he thinks I am against him. I don't know how I will react if he is going to say stuff like that throughout the years."

I understand your fears at present. When I first realised that Mr Man was suffering from Schizophrenia I didn't think he would be well ever again. But in time, and usually with medication, things do get better. It can seem slow at times, but then other times you look back and you suddenly realise how far he has come. The key is not to compare to what he was like when he was well, but to compare to what he was like at his worst.

At the time of writing this “blip” post, I didn't actually challenge Mr Mans beliefs too strongly. I think I said something like "Do you remember telling me that you realise these beliefs are part of an illness? When your meds get into your system you won't feel like this anymore" But he didn't remember it, and it seemed to confuse him, so I chose not to challenge it anymore, only reassure him and distract him from those thoughts as much as I could. Dwelling on them definitely doesn't help.

I was aware that I would have to keep a closer eye on him and I made sure he took his medication. Apart from that I tried to carry on as normal. It really did turn out to be just a blip and he didn't need to see his doctor after all. If the symptoms had persisted or had got much worse I would obviously have had to contact his doctor against his will.

Mr Man isn't like this all the time though. Once a person is relatively stable on medication the fluctuations in symptoms aren't usually severe. Also, you do learn to adjust and accept certain things in time.

"His social worker said that if I took over his care, not only will I be the wife but I will have to be the one responsible for him taking his medication, and if he doesn't then I will be the one forcing him into the hospital. So it could strain our marriage. Do you have any experience with this?"

Yes, I have had to make sure that Mr Man takes his medication, and I have also had to have him detained under a section of the Mental Health Act before. Even now, I get Mr Mans medication ready for him, but that's mostly because he would probably forget to take them otherwise! I don't usually have to watch him take them these days, but if he becomes unwell, like in this "blip" post, then I have to watch him take them to make sure he has had them. It's when he starts to doubt that he is ill that he is likely to skip medication, but most of the time he understands that he is ill and needs the tablets. They call this "insight".

We have had problems with this in the past, but communication was the key for us. I always tried to give Mr Man lots of reassurance that I loved him. I knew he didn't believe that he needed the medication but I had to ask him to trust me and I would try to reassure him that I would never make him take anything that would harm him. At times he only took the tablets for me, but at least he took them.

"Trust Me" by Philippa King

It was painful sometimes when I sensed that he was suspicious of me, but I had to remind myself that it was temporary and that as soon as he started to improve he would understand.

For a while it wasn't uncommon for him to ask what each tablet was called and what it was for. Understanding his fear helped me to be patient with him and explain about each medication time and time again. He would especially ask these questions if the chemist had used a different manufacturer that month and the packaging was different or the tablet was a different colour or shape. They really should think of these things shouldn't they?

The day he was admitted under a section of the Mental Health Act was a strange day. Although he had refused to go to the Doctors with me, when the Doctor came to our home he didn't become argumentative at all. He refused to go into hospital voluntarily, but he seemed to just accept the situation when they enforced the section. He didn't seem angry at me either. This was his third admission, and each hospital stay had been a lengthy one. I suppose he knew by that point that I was going to support him as much as I could, just as I had done on both previous occasions. It's different for everyone though.

Hopefully it will never come to that point with you and your husband. It really depends on how much insight he manages to gain through his medication. One thing I would say though (and I'm not suggesting that you would do this) is never lie about anything, even if you think it will protect him. I have always been completely honest with Mr Man about his medication and everything. When our home was broken into he was still in hospital. It would have been easier to not tell him about it, as he thought the burglars were spies, but I knew if I didn't tell him he would lose trust in me when he eventually found out. Maintaining trust is vital.

New Blog - Bipolar Speaks

I received this comment from Bipolar Speaks in the comments section, and thought it was such a wonderful idea that I wanted to make sure that everyone got to read it.

Most of you know me as “Dreamwriter.” I recently launched a new blog called, “Bipolar Speaks.” One day something came over me as I was reading websites called “Post Secret” and also a blog who had a post where they had quotes from other Bloggers with mental illness about how they felt. It occurred to me that WE need an escape to let out our feelings and frustrations. I know that a lot of Bloggers say what they feel within their own blogs, but you are welcome to share your thoughts, opinions, and feelings.

You are welcome to help raise awareness and put a stop to the Stigma that lies within mental illness. We can change the world - one story at a time. I thought it would be interesting to design a “Safe Haven” for those who battle with a Mental Illness; and allow them to come and let out their most darkest, painful, and emotional feelings. This would be a great way to spread awareness by letting society know what is REAL about mental illness.

If you are interested, you can submit a story or short piece as an “Anonymous” contributor, or if you don‘t care about what others think, then feel free to reveal your blogger identity; its purely up to you. I tried this several times and the “Anonymous” button works and ends up in my email as an “Anonymous” comment.

The rules and regulations are in the blog within a post. Take the time to read them thoroughly and I hope that you become a constant contributor. Remember, we all have things on our chest to let out and we all truly don’t want others to know. But now is an opportunity for YOU to speak up, speak out, and be heard! I know that I have a lot of feelings and issues that I don’t want my husband, friends, or family to know about… this is my chance to get it off my chest and I WILL be a constant contributor. Depending on the issue, I might submit the story under both “Anonymous” and my name.

Go to “Bipolar Speaks” and look around, don’t forget to display the Bipolar Speaks button on your blog and link it back to us.

By the way, I still have my other blog, so don’t forget about me over there, too. :)

Violence and Schizophrenia – Comments from Readers

I would like to thank all those who commented recently on my posts “Violence and Schizophrenia”. Often I find that the comments left by readers are more interesting and informative than the posts I have written! Some of the explanations of what it is like to suffer violent intrusive thoughts were too valuable to leave unread by the majority in the comments section.

“The thoughts are like movies you can't shut off... no matter how horrible it is I can't press stop… I'm forced to "watch" the whole thing until it is done.”
- Minnesnowta

“I've struggled with these thoughts for a long, long time. I thought they made me a horrible person and I have done very silly things to try and erase them from my mind. I could not even write them down for fear that they would become more real.”
– Anonymous

“They cause great distress, and I wonder why my head does this to me? I don’t like swatting wasps, let alone harming a person; it’s just not me at all.”
- Slurry

I also sometimes receive comments which raise very interesting questions and points of view. No doubt these points of view will be shared by others, and so I would like to reply in full in a blog post. I have recently received the following comment from an Anonymous reader, regarding my posts on Violence and Schizophrenia.

“I have been reading your journal with interest and after some time have decided to post a reply to this thread.

On the topic of intrusive thoughts my guess is that we all have these and from time to time they can be elaborate, explicit and violent but a filter or whatever prevents us from taking these fantasies and enacting them in the real world. If this were not close to the mark I fail to understand the attraction that violent films and latterly computer games have for a large proportion of the population. In fact, children may re-enact what they have seen but as play rather than through real aggression.

I am reluctant to continue this post as I believe it will be unpopular with the non sufferers of schizophrenia and those with the illness who read this blog. However my opinion is as valid as anyone else’s and deserves to be considered.

A small percentage of people with serious mental illness are capable of the most appalling violence. I know of no way to differentiate those who will go on to kill and those who will not. I believe that by claiming that there are far worse dangers out there you are bordering on denial. There are many dangers out there, far more people are killed by the sane than the mentally ill but a percentage of schizophrenics will go on to kill.

Even a small percentage is significant, I personally know of no one who has been killed by a seriously mentally ill person. I have however been stabbed over a prolonged period by one and am lucky not to be one of the statistics I feel some would rather ignore.”

Anonymous, thank you for taking the time to respond to my posts “Violence and Schizophrenia”. Firstly I would like to say how sorry I am that you have been a victim of violence over a period of time. As you so rightly point out, your opinion deserves as much consideration as anyone else’s.

You begin your comments by stating:
“On the topic of intrusive thoughts my guess is that we all have these and from time to time they can be elaborate, explicit and violent but a filter or whatever prevents us from taking these fantasies and enacting them in the real world.”

I personally don’t believe that I have ever experienced intrusive thoughts. In rage I have experienced very violent thoughts, but as I endeavoured to explain in my previous post on the subject, intrusive thoughts are unrelated to the person’s emotional state and additionally are “intrusive” – unwanted, unwelcome, distressing, and difficult to be distracted from. Far from being a fantasy, they are more like a waking nightmare for those who experience them, especially as they can be accompanied by visual hallucinations. See the comments above by those who have experienced them.

You continue:
“If this were not close to the mark I fail to understand the attraction that violent films and latterly computer games have for a large proportion of the population.”

This is an interesting point. For Mr Man, the intrusive thoughts and hallucinations that he has endured means that there is rarely a violent scene in films that he finds more distressing than what he has already witnessed. However, this doesn’t mean that he finds violent films entertaining.

For most people who are entertained by such, I suspect that it is more than simply a case of desensitization. Over the years films have not only become increasingly violent, but the violence has been glorified by being acted out by the most popular actors delivering “cool” one liners. In addition, age restrictions have been reduced and the video games often allow the gamer to become the hero of the film. Violence then has become synonymous with many desired traits such as popularity, admiration, and sex appeal, to name but a few, and I feel it is this that has increased its popularity.

Like you, I fail to understand the attraction of such violent “entertainment”, but the result of which for many is an impaired conscience, which I believe you alluded to when you said “a filter or whatever prevents us from taking these fantasies and enacting them”. For some, the filter stops working. Despite suffering from intrusive thoughts, the conscience of a person with mental illness is no more likely to become impaired than anyone else’s. As Mr Ian, a psychiatric nurse for many years, said in the comments section:

“Most people with psychoses harm themselves before other people as they still maintain their moral reasoning that it is wrong to hurt others. Those that do harm others, only do so because they feel they are severely threatened, regard it as the best/only option for their dilemma, or they have a delusional belief that such behaviour is 'ok' (I once nursed a guy who stabbed a horse guardsman in the leg because [he believed] it was an act of mutual bonding and honour that the guardsman would have understood).”

You continue:
“A small percentage of people with serious mental illness are capable of the most appalling violence.”

I agree, just as a percentage of those without mental illness are capable of equally appalling violence.

“I know of no way to differentiate those who will go on to kill and those who will not.”

Again, I agree, just as I have no way of knowing which of those without mental illness will go on to kill and which ones will not.

"On Balance" by Philippa King

“I believe that by claiming that there are far worse dangers out there you are bordering on denial.”

I never claimed that there were far worse dangers, only that a person has as much chance of being killed by a person without mental illness as with. What I do question is whether a person’s mental illness is truly the cause of their violent acts in all cases. In many cases I think it is used as an excuse; on the other hand, for those who clearly were affected by mental illness at the time of committing a violent crime, support was obviously lacking as there are always warning signs before hand. Consider this comment by Mr Ian:

“In regard the myth of the "snap" theory, I agree. It never comes unannounced. It frequently goes unnoticed or unattended though. I have worked with violent mentally disordered offenders for several years now. What you say is true and accurate from my perspective also; that the true cause of the violent act being purely in psychotic reasoning is pretty rare. Often it is increased in probability by prior personality, intellectual or environmental influences; or is more to do with those predisposing/predictive factors and not psychoses at all.”

You continue:
“There are many dangers out there, far more people are killed by the sane than the mentally ill but a percentage of schizophrenics will go on to kill.

Even a small percentage is significant”

I agree that although the percentage of those killed by people with mental illness is small, those victims are not insignificant. However, I think it is unfair for the media to wrongly give the impression that these murders are more frequent than they actually are, or that everyone with a mental illness is violent. Rather than trying to ignore statistics, I am asking people to be balanced in their view of people with mental health problems.

I understand that your experience has not been a good one. You don’t say what your relationship is to the individual who has stabbed you, but I would recommend seeking outside help and advice from a GP or a Community Mental Health Team. If this person is persistently violent towards you he/she should either be arrested or detained in a secure unit under a section of the mental health act.

Thank you again for your comment, and to all who have commented on this subject.

Related Posts: Violence and Schizophrenia - Part One, Violence and Schizophrenia - Part two

Related Posts on Mental Nurse: The Will To Do No Wrong, The Will To Do No Wrong Part 2

As Time Goes By

Thank you to Mslmgarner, who recently posted a couple of questions for me in the comments section. I apologise in advance if my answers cover things that you already know, but your questions are similar to those I have been asked in emails and thought a more in depth blog response might answer a few questions for other readers as well.

Mslmgarner asks:

“How long have you and Mr. Man been dealing with Schizophrenia?”

Mr Man has been dealing with Schizophrenia for a lot longer than I have. He has been hearing voices since his teens, but I didn’t become aware of it until June 2002 – a little over 5 years ago – even though we had already been married for nearly 5 years.

Mr Man wasn’t deliberately secretive about his symptoms. As is common with all sufferers of Schizophrenia, he didn’t realise that what he was experiencing was part of an illness. I know that sounds strange to most people; “hearing voices” isn’t usually considered “normal”, so surely if you started experiencing this you would question it… wouldn’t you? But when hearing voices is combined with delusional thinking, you get a person who has no need to question their own mental health; in their own mind they “know” where the voices are coming from, be that from aliens, a supernatural being, or another source. For this reason a person with Schizophrenia won’t consider it unusual that no one else can hear the voices; they simply believe that they have been “chosen” and you haven’t.

It’s not unusual for people with Schizophrenia to keep their experiences to themselves or for them to go unnoticed by others. They may even deny that they are hearing voices, believing that they have a special, secret arrangement with the voices. This was the case with Mr Man; he believed that he had been selected to work for a company. It was only when his symptoms seemed to take a more sinister turn that the burden became unbearable for him and he confided in me what was happening. By this time he was nearly 30.


Mslmgarner asks:

“How do you deal with his episodes in private and in public?”

Mr Man doesn’t suffer “episodes” as such, as his symptoms are always there. There are two areas of his illness that we have had to learn to deal with: the negative symptoms and the positive symptoms.

It seems that he first started suffering from the negative symptoms soon after November 1999. He was suffering from the Epstein Barr virus, so excessive sleep was expected, but as time went on he began to neglect himself more and more and everyone assumed he was suffering from severe depression. At one time Mr Mans negative symptoms were so bad that I had to wash and dress him, and he wouldn’t eat or drink unless the food or drink was placed in front of him. He stayed in bed for most of the time and became very withdrawn. Obviously being so withdrawn these weren’t symptoms that we had to deal with in public.

As he improved he began to dress himself although I still needed to lay his clothes out for him. These days he just needs prompting or reminding occasionally to change his clothes, but he still hates having a bath. I know it sounds strange but when he was younger he had no trouble with these things at all, but now he seems too preoccupied to think about such “trivial” matters. On top of that there’s the “security” of keeping the same clothes on, and the “insecurity” of having to sit naked in a bath.

As I said, these aren’t really things that require “dealing” with in public, but now that he goes out more these can obviously have an impact on his social life. I try not to stress him too much by demanding that he has a bath every day or two, but if he starts to smell I obviously need to do something about it. Thankfully for both of us, he’s really not a smelly person. I think he appreciates the reminders to change his clothes, as obviously he doesn’t want to draw attention to himself in public, but it’s just not something he gives much thought to.


I first became aware of Mr Mans positive symptoms in 2002 while he was an inpatient in a Psychiatric hospital. His symptoms were obviously very acute at that time and I had a need to understand what he was experiencing, so the emphasis was on talking, understanding, reassuring, and comforting. We spent a lot of time just holding each other and this was obviously in private and in public, as there was little privacy on the ward.

As time went on I learnt that I needed to challenge his beliefs and help him to be able to distinguish between delusion and reality. This wasn’t easy. How do you convince someone that what they believe as fact doesn’t even exist? And let me tell you, a person in the grip of delusional thinking can give you some very convincing arguments. After a while the word “coincidence” starts to wear a little thin.

These days it’s a case of providing a distraction. The reassuring and the challenging are still needed at times but mostly he needs activity to keep his mind occupied. Medication has enabled him to gain “insight” into his illness – in other words he knows that he is ill now and that what he is suffering are symptoms of that illness – but the voices persist and they feed the delusions, so it’s important to keep him distracted from what they say.

In public it’s more a case of support and reassurance, as the voices and delusions cause a lot of anxiety, particularly when with strangers. When Mr Man was very poorly he shouted verbal abuse at people out of the car window a couple of times, but my reaction was more one of shock rather than “dealing” with it! I just try to be a calming influence as best I can; getting frustrated or shouting at a person suffering from psychosis only makes matters worse.

So as you can see, the way we deal with his symptoms has changed over time, due to experience and also due to a change in the severity of his symptoms. I dare say things will continue to change for us as time goes by.

“Mad” or “Bad”?

In my new (and so far neglected) blog “Do I Look Like I Care?” I received a comment from a reader who calls herself Kim. Kim said, in part:

“Ann* is very unwell; she is a paranoid schizophrenic, and has not had her depot injection for 8 weeks. She is a real danger to herself and others, and is getting rather aggressive. She assaulted 2 nurses up at the local unit last week, they called the police, and the unit said they couldn’t have her as she was being violent and the police wouldn’t have her as she was mentally unstable, so sent her home. Now we (her friends) take turns looking after her, it’s one crisis after another, and we are all starting to fear for our own safety. We have contacted all the relevant people and no one will take any notice of us as we are patients under the same team. We are at our wits end, and getting unwell ourselves.

They won’t do anything until she puts an axe in someone else’s head or her own, by which time it’s too late. They will spend millions on a public enquiry, where if they had done their job properly no one would get hurt and would save lots of money.”

*Not her real name.

I feel this experience highlights two major problems which I have written about previously: the difficulty in accessing services for people with mental health problems - even for those who are familiar with how the system works; and also the fact that the responsibility for caring for such ones often falls on those who are neither equipped nor qualified to do so. But also, I can’t help but wonder if Ann will end up in a similar situation to Justin.

Justin is a young man suffering from mental health problems. He set fire to his flat and as a result was given a discretionary life sentence.

Slurry tells us regarding Justin:

“It was his mental illness which led up to the event. He was not being looked after by the CMHT very well at all. We (his friends) knew something big was going to happen so we rang the CPN many times in the week leading up to it. Never did they come and visit Justin or speak to him like they promised, then it was too late.

He does not do well in the prison system, as it’s the wrong place for a mentally ill person, and I am so bitter at the system which failed him and so many others.”

Now don’t get me wrong; I’m sure that there are people with mental health problems who are just as capable of breaking the law as someone without these problems, and being ill isn’t necessarily the cause of someone breaking the law. But in both of these cases, and many like them, the deterioration of the person’s symptoms were obvious to others, to the extent that friends feared that at some point the individual would take extreme action which would usually be completely out of character for them.

This point is important for two reasons:

Firstly, the general public wrongly presume that people with mental health problems are unpredictable and could go off on a murdering spree at any moment. The two cases above clearly show that if people bother to take notice, the warning signs are there.

Secondly, the CMHT were obviously unable or unwilling to act on the concerns of others. This is either because their resources are desperately lacking or because they don’t take the concerns of others seriously. My guess is that it is a combination of both.

So the question is: how many people are in prison because they have been failed by the Mental Health System? I know we often hear in the news about people on trial who have had a psychiatric assessment, and I’m sure that this is often an attempt to avoid the full penalty for their actions. But what about those who are genuinely ill, and who were well known to their local CMHT before the incident? And even neglected by their CMHT before the incident?

“Service users” are often seen as faceless objects.

"Faceless Care" by Philippa King

Too Little, Too Late

Following on from yesterdays post entitled “Helpless” I would like to continue part of the discussion that followed in the form of a blog post, as I feel that the struggle to access services for people suffering with mental health problems is an important issue which many people may be unaware of.

Catherine said:

“Your post left me feeling sad and empty inside. Recently I have read a lot of posts coming from bloggers saying that the very people that are supposed to help them, aren’t.”

Catherine, the whole situation leaves me feeling sad and empty as well, but also angry. As you have found from reading other blogs, this isn’t an isolated case, and this is an important issue that mental health services need to address.

“Is this just what happens when you cannot fight for yourself? Everyone ignores you?”

The fact that people find it so hard to access services even when they have someone fighting for them suggests to me that there must be people on their own who are not getting help at all. I suppose this could be for a variety of reasons; for a start, people working in mental health aren’t psychic, so unless a person states that they need help no one will know. But I feel that once a person is known to a CMHT they should be provided with an adequate support system, and this is where they are being failed.

This leads me to Slurry’s comment about the CPN.

“I totally understand what you were saying in that post. In regards to “where is the CPN” etc, if it’s not Mon-Fri 9-5 they don’t want to know, even in those hours they probably wouldn’t want to anyhow.”

Slurry, you’re right, the fact that Community Psychiatric Nurses only work Monday–Friday, 9-5 is less than helpful. But the reason why I asked the questions: “Where is this mans Care Co-ordinator? Where is his CPN? Where is his Care Plan?” is because I don’t think he even has any of these things, although he should have.

The problem is that “Service Users” are not made aware of the services available to them or what help they are entitled to, and even the most caring and supportive of families can not demand the services for their relative that they have no knowledge of. This is a problem that Mr Man and I have experienced ourselves; Mr Man was not assigned a CPN until he had been discharged from hospital after his third admission, in which he had been admitted under a section of the Mental Health Act.

So with regards to the man suffering from Bipolar, the question is this: has he been left without this support because the CMHT wrongly assume that his family, with no training, will be able to cope with the responsibility of caring for someone with serious mental health problems? Or - and this is a far worse scenario - are people with mental health problems, including those who live alone, routinely left without an adequate support network from the CMHT until it is deemed impossible to “get away” with it any longer, such as after multiple hospital admissions, or after the person has been hospitalised under a section of the Mental Health Act?

It is my belief that as soon as it becomes apparent that a person is suffering from a serious mental health problem, they should be assigned a Care Co-ordinator, a CPN, and have a Care Plan drawn up. Surely prevention is better than cure? If this man had a CPN regularly calling to see him, I dare say his condition wouldn’t have deteriorated so badly before anyone noticed. If he had a Care Plan, his family would have known exactly what to do and who to call when he reached crisis point.

It makes me so angry that relatives have to fight so damn hard to get help for their sick loved ones, but who will fight for the person with mental health problems who lives alone?



If you want to be depressed even further, please read this article on Mental Nurse, and in particular the article linked to therein.

About This Blog

Today I have received the following comment from an Anonymous reader. I’m aware that other readers may feel the same way, and so I have decided to respond in a blog post.

It's really horrible how you people act as if being a schizo is such a terrible thing. I'm schizo and if I'd ever saw my wife writing in a blog like this because of my "condition" I would ask for a divorce.

I’m really sorry if the content of my blog has offended you in any way. Mr Man is well aware of this blog, and in fact encourages me to write it. Let me assure you that I have the utmost respect for Mr Man and I love him unconditionally. I am often amazed by his strength and courage, and I don’t view his “condition” as a weakness in any way at all.

I don’t know what your personal experiences are with Schizophrenia, but I know that some people view the condition as a positive experience, feeling that the psychosis inspires them to be creative. Unfortunately in Mr Mans case “being a Schizo” really has been “such a terrible thing” for him, which is something that I haven’t yet fully covered in my blog.

There are many reasons why I decided to put our experiences down in writing. One of those reasons is to make people aware of how badly mental health patients are treated sometimes, both by so called health care professionals and by the general public. Also, by reading this blog I hope other carers of people with Schizophrenia are strengthened by knowing that they are not alone and that things do get better.

I’m sorry if that statement offends you. I use the term “carer” not because Mr Man is a burden, but because there is no denying that he needs full time support. And I say “I hope carers are strengthened” because when the person you love is ill beyond recognition the pain is unimaginable. And I say “things do get better” as if things were terrible at one time, because they were.

This blog isn’t all about my own suffering though; I want people to understand what it is like for the person suffering from Schizophrenia as well. Whatever emotional pain I have experienced watching Mr Man suffer is nothing compared to the pain and fear that Mr Man has endured whilst suffering from these delusions and hallucinations. I think Schizophrenia is greatly misunderstood, and I hope that by writing this blog I can dispel some of the misconceptions that the public have. I want to raise awareness about the condition.

I also should add that although Mr Mans illness has been very hard for both of us to cope with at times, it has also brought us closer together, and in that respect it has had a positive effect on our marriage. I am aware that many marriages end in divorce when either the husband or wife suffers from a mental illness of some kind. I hope that my blog gives out the message that marriages can survive mental illness and that something destructive can be turned into something constructive.

Despite the title of my blog, I view Mr Man as a man (an amazing one at that) fighting Schizophrenia, not simply as “a Schizophrenic” with no other identity of his own. The reason why I titled my blog that way is partly because it rolls off the tongue easier than “The Wife of a Man with Schizophrenia” which seems a bit long winded. Also, although many of my readers are either sufferers, carers, or mental health workers, I hoped that the title would be punchy enough to attract “clueless” people who may learn something by reading this blog, and I’m glad to say that I have previously received comments which confirm that this is the case.

Once again, I sincerely apologise if my blog has caused you offence. I hope I have explained myself adequately. Thanks again for your valued comment.

Questions from readers

I have recently been asked the following questions by an anonymous reader in the comments section:

“Why are you still married to [Mr Man]? What is it that keeps you going? Is it love, sympathy, duty… what? I am in a similar situation and I find myself harbouring thoughts of just letting go... please do share your views.”

It would be easy for me to just simply reply with: “It’s love, of course”, but I feel that the questions are deep and deserve serious and honest consideration.

I have touched on this subject previously in the post entitled “One Flesh”. I titled the post in this way because that is exactly how I feel – that as a married couple we have become one flesh. As such, whatever hurts Mr Man hurts me, and for me to consider leaving him would be like considering tearing off my limbs.

I never stopped loving the man I married, even though I didn’t know where he was anymore. As I mentioned in that previous post, I had to grieve the loss of my husband even though I was still with him, because the man I was left with didn’t resemble him at all. I had to cling to the belief that he was still in there somewhere and that somehow I would be with him again one day.

It is this belief that has kept me going, and slowly the man I love has resurfaced. I look at him now and think about what I would have missed out on if I had ended it all back then. I say “ended it all” rather than “leave him” because as I said, I never even considered leaving him as an option, but I considered ending the suffering for both of us. Although difficult to admit to, this again is something I hinted at in that previous post when I wrote: “I confess, I wanted to end the pain – for him, for me – but I have never wanted to leave him”. The only thing that held me back was that it might only have worked for one of us and that the surviving one would be left with even more heartache.

Later I reached the point where I felt that if he died maybe it would be easier for me to grieve for him and move on, rather than watch him continually suffer for the rest of his life. I would sit beside him on the edge of the bed while he slept and think about smothering him with a pillow and ending it for him, but I was worried that he would wake and not understand why I was doing it, and the thought of him believing for one second that I didn’t love him was unbearable. I am in no way recommending this as an option, but I want you to know that I understand the extent of your suffering which has lead to you “harbouring thoughts of just letting go”.

"Dark Thoughts" by Philippa King

There was a time when I couldn’t imagine ever being without Mr Man. I expect most newly married couples feel that way. I felt that without him my life would come to an end and have no meaning, and that I would never be able to move on and start a new life. I thought I would rather die than live without him. But the more suicidal Mr Man became the more my grieving took a new direction. Rather than just grieving the loss of his personality I was actually grieving the loss of his life, as I became truly convinced that he was going to die. I felt like I was married to a man with a terminal illness – I knew he was going to die I just wasn’t sure when, or that’s how I felt anyway. I found myself planning my future without him, which made me doubt my love for him and I felt incredibly guilty. This is why I thought your questions deserved honest consideration, because at one time I even wondered myself if it was love, sympathy, or duty that kept me by his side.

Obviously I have felt deep sympathy for Mr Man, watching him suffer in unimaginable ways. I have always believed, and still do, that mental illness is the worst kind of illness anyone could ever suffer from; after all, physically ill people can still be happy, but if you can’t be happy, what else is there? I can’t deny that duty must have also played a part somehow, but the main reason for staying with him was, and still is, love.

When he became less suicidal I found the adjustment quite difficult, as strange as that sounds. Although I loved him and obviously wanted to be with him, I found it difficult to believe that I wasn’t going to lose him, and to start planning a future with him rather than without him.

I am convinced that I am never going to meet anyone else like him in my life, and I don’t regret marrying him for a second. What we have been through together has in no way been easy, but we have gone through it together, and we now have a bond which is unbreakable.


Related posts: Coup de grace

The Government Has Mr Mans Axe

“Hope things are ok Mr Mans Wife, things are very quiet on here at the mo. Hope things are going good”
Slurry from Surrey

Slurry, thank you for your concern for our welfare due to my lack of posts recently; I really appreciate it. Sorry for not updating my blog sooner.

I hope you don’t mind but I have decided to write my reply as a post in case others have been wondering why things have been so quiet on here recently as well.

Things have been ticking along quite nicely, thank you for asking. No major upsets (until last night, which I will come to shortly), but although Mr Mans concentration has improved greatly since changing the Risperdal to Abilify, his anxiety has worsened, so as usual it’s a balancing act, getting used to coping with a different set of problems. He was a great help to me while my own symptoms were bad though, and his confidence in cooking microwave dinners is growing!

I did start writing a post to follow on from where I last left off, just after Mr Mans first hospital admission, but I kind of got “stuck”. Obviously it’s not “writers block” in the traditional sense of the word as I don’t need a great deal of imagination to simply retell real life events, but I struggle in other ways. Although I have received the compliment of having my writing described as being “eloquent” I really feel that my amateur efforts don't always do our experiences justice, and I struggle to know how to even put my own feelings into words. I also struggle to know what to include and what to leave out, and to remember the order of events. Hopefully I’ll get back to finishing that post soon though.

In the mean time I telephoned Mr Mans respite home this weekend to book him in for a couple of nights in March…

Some time last year we received a letter explaining that due to cutbacks Mr Mans respite home may be closing. I’ve been expecting to receive another letter to confirm whether this is to be the case or not, but have heard nothing. Last week I bumped into a lady in town who I know uses the same respite home, and she told me that it is to stay open, although some services have changed. I was relieved. However, when I phoned this weekend to book Mr Man a bed for a couple of nights, it was only after I specifically asked how things would change for Mr Man that I was told that each person is now only allowed to have two respite breaks a year, instead of the previous three. (This is where I start to struggle with being eloquent)

Before Mr Mans first stay at the respite home he was assessed, and it was decided that he could only stay for a maximum of three nights in a row. He didn’t often stay for the maximum stay allowed, only perhaps in the summer, and the other two breaks he would stay for one or two nights while I got away for a couple of days. As I’ve said previously, I don’t actually need a break from Mr Man, but everyone needs a break away from home and the realities of life now and again. Mr Man wouldn’t be able to cope with coming with me on a holiday, so my only choice is to leave him in respite while I get away. We’re talking about maybe six nights in a whole year, broken up into three mini breaks. Now I can only have two mini breaks a year.

The thing is though, it’s not like I even ever have an actual holiday. I use those respite breaks to be able to go to religious conventions and assemblies three times a year, which are very important to me, so I spend each day concentrating on the program, and then by evening I’m exhausted. Still, it’s a change of scenery and I wouldn’t miss a convention just to go and picnic on a British beach somewhere (and lets face it, there’s no time for me to actually leave the country and come back again), but I do wish I could have a proper holiday sometimes. This particular time in March I was planning to visit some places of interest on one day, and go to the assembly the next, and that is the closest I was going to get to a holiday for the first time since 2003.

I cancelled the two nights I had just booked, and when I put the phone down I started to cry. Mr Man feels so guilty, but I tried to explain to him that it’s not his fault; he can’t help it.

As well as the obvious disappointment I’m angry that they didn’t write to me to let me know what was happening. I asked the brainless Jim about this (that dozy bloke who is supposed to be Mr Mans care worker in the respite home), and he said to me: “Well because [Mr Man] is doing so well, we thought it best not to phone because it’s not always a good thing to remind people that they’re in need of services”.

Oh really? Well don’t worry about that mate; we still have the memory of Mr Mans two month long relapse after being left alone for two nights* to remind us that he is still in need of services. And weren’t you the one who said that Mr Mans respite breaks are for my benefit, so that I can get a break? Didn't you think I needed to know that these services were being reduced? And when exactly was the last time I had a carers assessment to see if my needs are being met? And who exactly told you that Mr Man was doing “so well”? Mark, Mr Mans CPN, the eternal optimist who thinks everything is fine as long as Mr Man hasn’t chopped his own head off, and who hasn’t actually seen Mr Man since November? How the hell would he know how Mr Man is doing? Mr Man gave up telling him how he feels months ago.

Still, he really hasn’t chopped off his own head, has he? So I suppose things really are fine. Or maybe it's just because the government has his axe at the moment.



*Due to lack of beds in the respite home, Mr Man had to stay at home on his own for two nights while I went into hospital for an operation in August.